We have lived in our house for 17 years. This is by far the longest (more than twice as long!) that I have lived in any one house. It took me many years to feel deserving of this house. I used to say, oh, we wouldn’t have this house if we hadn’t sold our condo in California during the real estate bubble. Well, we wouldn’t have had this house if we weren’t buying it with our Pamela. We should have thought about changing the entry, the dining room turned library, we should have enlarged the kitchen, the island, the front porch . . . and on and on.
I didn’t feel deserving of the fruits that life has brought me without “earning” it. We weren’t savvy by buying our condo in California. We had to find another place to live because our apartment management decided they wouldn’t accept pets anymore – because they didn’t have to, because there was a rental shortage. One day, I came around a corner wondering what we were going to do/asking for help . . . and there was the sign of the condos being built. Our mortgage was less than a rental would have been in that tight rental market. It was for our highest good to buy that little condo. The Universe created that opportunity for us through our kitties at that time, Sophie and Tiger. So creative!
I wasn’t astute enough to figure out how to sell our condo at the height of the market and have enough for a down payment on a wonderful house that would have been a million dollars in California (no exaggeration). But life knew how to orchestrate that too.
How amazing that three individuals – Pamela, Ed and I – all arrived at the same place on their paths to decide all at the same time to move all the way across the country to a state we had never visited. How serendipitous that Pamela googled best places to live and North Carolina popped up. How unbelievable that Ed looked at a map of North Carolina and saw all the green space around Wake Forest and said, we need to look there. And how fortunate we were that we moved before it became more difficult to find houses at affordable prices.
So with all this abundance, why would I feel unworthy? I have always been taken care of, no matter how terrible or scary the situation was. I see that in hindsight. So that gives me confidence. And here it was demonstrated once again – and I was living it, but not able to accept it wholeheartedly.
Most of us are not taught that we are inherently worthy. We don’t know that we don’t have to “earn” the right to be here and be part of the loving Universe that always is at our beck and call- for our highest good. We are indivisibly connected to that energy. So we (I) don’t have to earn rest time, relaxation time, recuperation time. We are meant to take loving care of ourselves, just because we are part of all that is loving! From the beginning, just as we are.
It’s difficult to talk ourselves out of feeling undeserving. So, instead of arguing with our human mind, we can go to our heart, and be willing to feel gratitude. Applying love through gratitude can transform our mistaken sense of unworthiness. With practice, we can reach 51% – and that’s all we need!
This has been a lot to learn and accept. I said to someone the other day, if it doesn’t get done, no one will die! There’s so much that is not as pressing as taking loving care of ourselves. And even when we are given the means, the tools, the opportunities, we still find it hard to feel deserving and accepting. That’s when we practice in that moment just being grateful for the smallest thing.
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin.
They just live and grow and embrace all that comes. So can we.